It’s the little things that keep you falling in love with someone. As I write this, my boyfriend is knocked out from Nyquil. His head is slightly leaning against my left arm. He drove up here planning to surprise me with a visit. Of course, he isn’t very sneaky and I knew what was up, but it really is the thought that counts. It only matters that he is here now, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m so happy when he’s around. It’s so easy to be happy and carefree when you have someone you can play around with. He always has me laughing with the things he does. Today it was his obsession with giving me raspberries on my neck and pretending to eat my nose. It’s the little things. It truly is. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to finally have someone that shows how much they care about you.
“I love you so much. With all of my heart.”
It really is a nice change. I don’t know what I was doing before Ford; struggling through constant lies and feeling worthless, and pretending that it was normal, I guess. I really was blind and willing to put everything aside to just be okay. Just okay.
With Ford things are so effortless. There is never an pressure to do anything, say anything, or be anything. I can just be me. I think this comes from our relationship blossoming from a friendship that was already close beyond compare. I helped Ford when he was crying over girls. He helped me through tough times, too. We never thought anything of it. We always helped each other through difficult situations. No matter what happened, I could always count on Ford. I could go days, weeks if I wanted to, and if I told him I wanted to meet up at say Busch Gardens (our usual), then he’d be game if he didn’t already have plans that day.
I’ve never been able to rely on anyone like that but him. So I guess have seen this from the start. But there are still some days where it hits me that this is actually happening. I know it’s happening. I’m aware that I’m dating Ford, obviously, but some days it just really hits me. I realize just how serious this is, and how far we have come from those two kids that met at a show at a local venue.
When I met him, he was such a flirt. He would have sex with almost any girl. It was one of the only things that bothered me about him, but also his ability to be so uncaring towards the girls he did “commit” to. He did unmoral things like cheat, and I always told him to treat girls better. He told me that he intentionally told me about these things as to try and keep me away from him. At the time before we started dating again, things were weird because of the whole DJ situation, and he was trying to stop thoughts of us dating-which obviously that failed. But he really is a completely changed person. People really do change, and the fact that I’m not the only one that has noticed this proves to me that isn’t just in my head. This is reality. I finally was the reason for someone wanting to become a better person. It feels different than I thought it would. I thought I’d feel like I accomplished something that was said to be impossible, and I’d feel invincible. But, it’s been the opposite almost. I’ve become humbled.
I don’t think that it’s qualities in a certain person that makes people want to change. I’m not saying that it can’t be true; just in general, I think it’s much more than that. I don’t think someone changes his or her whole life around because someone was nice to everyone. I truly believe that you have to be that person’s sort of soul mate; I guess that would be the best word. They have to feel a certain connection to you. They have to feel like they have to be the best for you, and the only way to do that is by making a few changes. Ford’s starting going to school again, he’s getting rid of toxic people while mending relationships with those that maybe shouldn’t have drifted, he’s doing what he loves, and working all at the same time. Even though he’s busy, he still makes time to show me that he cares. For example: he’s laying next to me right now because he saw an opportunity to come see me, and he took it.
Nothing makes me happier than the thoughtfulness behind his actions. He tells me he loves me randomly, in person and via texts/phone calls. He writes me long messages every holiday-which I’ve never gotten before. When we go out, he won’t let me buy pretty much anything. Even when we go to the store solely for the purpose of getting something for me, he insists on paying for it. (Because it won’t be as fun to be generous when I “steal his money” when our bank accounts are joined one day. His words, not mine.)
His faith in us is tremendous, too. He always talks about the future, and how when we’re married such and such will happen. “Well, when we’re married…” is a statement I hear probably 60 times when we’re together-not that I mind it. I don’t mind it one bit. The statements he may say sometimes after it can be concerning, but never enough to drive me away. I just wish he had as much faith in himself and he does this relationship. He has moments where he’s super confident in everything he does, and he’s super happy. But other times, and I’m not sure which comes around more, he has zero confidence. I guess that’s what comes along with being human, right? Changing your mind. Doubting yourself.
I wish I could express to him how beautiful he is to me. If I could, I’d never stop talking. But I’m the quiet one when he’s around. I’m normally the loud one of the group, but when Ford is around I just listen. He has so much to say. Is that because no one has the time to listen to him, or the patience? Or is it just because he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to talk about those things with anyone else but me? Either way, every time I try to express these things they never come out the same as they are in my head. They come out less powerful and more general. There doesn’t seem to be the right combination of words to express how much he means to me, but I will keep trying until I figure out just how to tell him.
But maybe he understands. Maybe he can sense it, and feel it because he feels the same way about me. I at least hope this happens, so that he knows he means the world to me. I don’t know what I did before this stage in our lives. I don’t ever know how I convinced I was happy with someone when I clearly never was. How was I able to keep pushing thoughts aside while they were screaming at me to wake up? How was I able to lie to myself for so long? I may never know, but I hope to keep this feeling he gives me forever.